Sadness
by Elenielwen
Summary: Oneshot. My Lavellan's post-game thoughts. Romanced Solas *broken hearted* Post-game. SPOILERS.


**A/N sorry guys, I posted this yesterday and NO idea the text would literally mess itself up . Sorry! Here comes the "real" version! And please forgive me as I did not know it had been messed up! :(**

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><p><strong>Cold.<strong>

**Dark.**

The skies were dotted with stars. Hundreds of small lights, blinking beautifully. It was a lovely evening with no clouds, and the moon was shining like an orb far away, drowning out the raw beauty of the thousands of stars.

**They were… Far away…**

**Yes. Far away.**

Eleniel Lavellan's skin prickled with goosebumps from the harsh wind that blew from the mountains around them, and yet she welcomed the cold.

It numbed everything. It suited her mood.

Turning a bit, another chilly wind swept up a handful of light blonde hair, playing with the long strands as to test their ability to float. They moved freely, dancing, playing in the wind.

Free… like she had thought she would be when it was all over.

Free to be herself.

Free to… love.

But like everything else, such happiness was not meant for her, was it?

Not that she disliked the comfort of Skyhold, or the protection such a large castle offered… But it was not for her.

She was a free spirit, she had loved to roam the lands with her clan. She had loved the freedom of her people. She had loved to treck through the wilderness and sleep under the stars. She had loved waking up and smelling forest, or cooking on a camp fire.

Yes, Lavellan had been loving her life as a dalish nomad, and even loved her vallaslin.. up until the moment she found out they were in reality… slave markings.

It turned her whole view of life upside down, making her realize that just like everything else, it was a lie.

Life… had been a lie.

_"You are a mistake. You should never have existed"_

The elven woman laughed bitterly at her cruel fate. Truer words may never have been spoken.

As another wind came and caused her tresses to blow into her eyes, she absentmindedly put them back behind her delicately pointed ears while trying to fight the tears burning behind her eyelids.

Below the large balcony Lavellan could faintly hear soft snoring from the tents from those who could not hold their liquor, and heard songs, people yelling obscenities and music coming from the tavern. The songs themselves were jolly, often followed by a loud "hurray".

**Probably Sera o****r Iron Bull livening things up**, she thought.

There was after all, a celebration going on in the tavern and outside in the courtyard and down below her room in the main hall of Skyhold.

Everyone were drunk and lyrical about their victory. Corypheus was finally dead, and all of the inquisition and more had gathered to celebrate in the aftermath.

For a second she thought she saw Cole briefly walk out from the tavern, a bit unsteady on his feet. She had faked a smile at him as he looked up, but he had not smiled back.

Lavellan had hoped to slip under the radar for a while, and have no one realizing just how utterly destroyed she felt.

But of course, Cole would. He always did.

She knew he could always sense and feel her sorrow, feel the throbbing pain that coiled around her heart like a snake. But he had respected her desperate need to be alone, and turned and gone inside again.

This time.. Cole could not soothe her wounds. They went too deep, and hurt too much.

**Everything** was a mess.

The inquisition had won the battle, yes. They had slain Corypheus once and for all, yes. The orb was gone, and the breach sealed.. yes.

But who had gained from that? Everyone… but her.

To her, the victory tasted like ashes.

The victory itself had, in the end, meant nothing to her as the person she had trusted, and thought loved her… had left. The person she had wanted to share it with the most.. was not there.

Solas had promised to explain everything, and she had faithfully trusted that.. but he had left.

No goodbye… no explanation… nothing.

Her love and most treasured friend was… gone.

Leliana had tried to encourage her by saying that her spies or agents would find him, but… Eleniel's instincts told her those were nothing but empty words. If Solas didn't want to be found… he would not be found. Of that, she had no doubt.

Josephine had tried to be kind and told her maybe he would be coming back, and explain everything. That maybe he was just delayed.

But Eleniel's gut feeling told her** no** on that account as well.

She had felt his presence vanish… and she had felt the resolve, pain and sorrow radiating from him as he sat down with the broken orb.

She knew that kind of determination.

So no, whatever caused him to leave, would keep him away for an unknown amount of time.

Maybe for ever.

Whatever call he had… had been stronger than their supposed bond, and their… love.

"_Whatever happens… know that what we had was real"_

Her heart clenched with pain as the memory of him leaving replayed in her mind.

**Was it really?**

Lavellan's heart cried out in the silence of the room.

Her mind told her that she should have seen it coming.. that she should stay strong. Things like these happened all the time, did they not? The keeper had told her parting was a natural part of the endless cycle that was life. She had told her that if something sad happened, one needed to move on and trust that the fates had a reason for causing it.

But it was **so** hard to simply… let go and accept that he was gone. To accept that she might not see him again... ever.

The blond elf bit her lower lip until she drew blood, and clenched her fists.

Everyone looked up to her at Skyhold. Heck, even beyond Skyhold's walls they did! People from all over Thedas trusted her decisions and actions.

She was the inquisitor. A leader. Beloved by many..

Yet the one she had wanted to trust her, look up to her and love her the most… had left. He whom she had wanted to have all that from... had left.

Hearing the jolly music once more, Eleniel felt she had just about enough, and went inside again. She could not bear listening to the people's drunken happiness any longer.

The light elven skin in her fair face shone with a thin layer of frost as she took in the empty and silent room in front of her. The fire crackled beautifully in the hearth, warming the room up, but it wouldn't have mattered even if it didn't. All of Skyhold could fall down around her, and it wouldn't matter.

Eleniel felt a lump forming at the back of her throat, and her heart constricted once more. It was getting harder to breathe.

But no, she would not cry…

She refused to cry!

Slamming the balcony door with shivering hands as to try to distract herself, the slender elf threw off her formal clothes, letting them haphazardly fall down onto the floor.

With another bite of her lower lip, she then flung herself on the wooden bed in the middle of the room. Sprawled upon it like a sacrifice at the altar, Eleniel stared at the ceiling with blank eyes. Even the bed smelled of loneliness, and heartbreak. With a shuddering breath, her deep green eyes closed.

Solas had told her they were beautiful. He had told her _she _was beautiful.

But beauty didn't last did it?

Beauty hadn't been enough, had it?

**Why Solas?** **Please… I need to know.**

"_Ar lath ma, vhenan" _her mind whispered and Eleniel was assaulted with a whirlwind of pain as it all… sunk in.

He had really left...

Curling into a ball, the tears she thought she would be strong enough to withhold, started to fall. And once it started… it did not stop.

Eleniel Lavellan of clan Lavellan, inquisitor and now former lover, was glad no one was within the vicinity as her lithe body shook from her heartbroken sobs.


End file.
